'I have to forgive myself': Inmate finds faith and purpose during 25-year jail term, dreams of own bakery after release

Within the compound of Changi Prison Complex lies a space where the whiff of fresh bread offers a slice of normalcy to the inmates baking them.

On a rainy November afternoon, AsiaOne stepped into the Yellow Ribbon Bakery, a subsidiary of Yellow Ribbon Singapore, to see firsthand how this initiative operates during their busy annual Christmas sale. 

Entering the bakery for the first time, the atmosphere was one of quiet determination. Heads bowed, brows furrowed, the bakers worked with focus, crafting each batch with care.

Amid this rhythm, we spoke with one of the bakers Alex*, who opened up about what led him to prison and about his dreams of owning his own home-based baking business someday.

How he ended up behind bars

In 2016, Alex was sentenced to 25 years for drug trafficking.

He stayed tight-lipped when asked to disclose more about his relationship with drugs back then.

Before his incarceration, he worked as a technical officer in the shipyard industry.

Alex, now 49, mentioned that his struggle with finances ultimately led him down a path he now regrets.

While initially resistant to revealing more, he eventually opened up, stating: "I was not earning much. I had a family to feed, a house, a dog, and a car to pay for."

With desperation creeping in and no one to turn to for help, drugs provided Alex with a "sense of relief", even if only temporary.

To add to that, his relationship with his then wife was on the verge of breakdown and their marriage fell apart when he was arrested.

"After the divorce, I had no contact with my ex-wife or son. My only support now comes from my mother and siblings," he added.

In fact, Alex's mother was initially unaware of his dealings with drugs.  

He recounted: "When she learnt of my arrest, she broke down. She didn't know what to do."

Christianity changed him

Alex cut an isolated figure at the start of his jail term.

How does one come to terms with the reality that their next 25 years will be spent behind bars?

While fellow inmates spent yard time partaking in activities, he opted to stay in his cell, withdrawn and disconnected.

This pattern of self-isolation continued until a pivotal moment of self-reflection shifted Alex's outlook, sparked by a conversation that he had with a fellow inmate, whom he saw as a friend, two years into his prison sentence.

He recalled: "This friend of mine gave me a scolding, saying that if I carry on like this, I will just suffer throughout my entire jail sentence.

"I can't continue the way I am. Since this (incarceration) is fixed and I can't change it, I should try to move on." 

It wasn't an immediate transformation, but with support from fellow inmates, Alex began to engage with life behind bars and started attending Christian counselling sessions in 2018.

Previously a freethinker, he had initially joined these counselling sessions with an open mind and found a new faith.

"Christianity changed me. After being part of these counselling sessions, I feel like a peaceful person," Alex said.

These sessions provided him with space to open up and, through their teachings, Alex shared that has become a changed individual.

He described his past self as bad-tempered, impulsive and irresponsible — a stark contrast to the calm and assured person that he came across that day.

Having his new-found faith also allowed him to better deal with mistakes made in the past.

When asked to describe Christianity in one phrase, he responded: "Forgive, but not forget."

"Christianity taught me to forgive others for what they have done to me, and to forgive myself for doing bad to others. Hopefully, the Lord will pardon my sins."

While many of his Christian brothers and sisters will commemorate Dec 25 with festivities surrounded by loved ones, Alex's Christmas will be a more mellowed one.

He reminisced festive seasons of yesteryear before his imprisonment, sharing: "Christmas celebration is all about food, the turkey, ham and, of course, the pastries. I miss everything."

Christmas bakes with a cause

For inmates like Alex, reintegration into society upon release is the objective.

To achieve this, there first has to be successful employment.

Acquiring practical skills while serving their sentence is key, and this is where Yellow Ribbon Bakery comes into play.

The halal-certified artisanal bakery provides opportunities for inmates to pick up baking skills to boost their employability in the food and beverage (F&B) industry.

Head baker Thurston Arlando, 33, shared that the Yellow Ribbon Bakery takes in any inmate who's interested in picking up a new skill.

On-the-job training begins on the bakery's main line and once the newcomers have a basic understanding of the processes, they can be rotated to different sections such as confectionery and artisanal bread.

To avoid overwhelming the bakers, a conscious effort is made to "take it slow" with training as individuals learn at different speeds, Thurston said.

He added: "The most important thing is that they are learning through this process."

[[nid:707431]]

Alex joined the bakery programme in November 2022, after expressing an interest in F&B.

For him, this wasn't just a case of wanting to pick up a new life skill or increasing his employability.

"I will be quite old [after my release] so I believe that getting myself hired might be a problem," Alex admitted.

Making productive use of his time behind bars also helps him prepare for the future, with the ultimate goal being starting his own home-based baking business.

"If everything goes smoothly, of course, I would like to have my own shop or outlet," he added.

In the meantime, Alex is focusing on building up his baking skills and is looking at potentially diving into the world of cakes.

"I would prefer cakes because they are sweeter. You can have a lot of decorations and play around with it," he said.

Currently part of the Yellow Ribbon Bakery's artisanal department, Alex has experience in baking a variety of treats, from brownies to gingerbread cookies.

Coming from someone who has had no prior baking experience, one would think he'd list his skills in the kitchen as some of his more valuable learning points at the bakery.

Instead, he opted to share more about the "mentoring" side of Yellow Ribbon Bakery.

"They really help me a lot and it's not just baking. It's also [learning about] teamwork, leadership and improving yourself in everything you do," Alex said.

While the annual Christmas sale has wrapped up, Chinese New Year is just around the corner and the bakery will soon be offering a new batch of festive treats on its website.

Rebuilding ties

Alex has seen his relationship with his immediate family fall apart since his imprisonment, and part of establishing a fresh start to his future is to address mistakes from his past.

"I have to learn to forgive myself. I believe I've hurt my ex-wife and son. Now, they are not visiting me and maybe it's [my] retribution," he mused.

At this point in time, reconnecting with his ex-wife is out of the picture, but Alex holds on to the hope that he can one day patch up his relationship with his son, who is now 21 years old.

The only time his son visited him was in February 2016.

When asked to describe his son's personality, Alex struggled to answer.

He eventually said: "Actually, sad to say, nothing. I am not very close to my son so I can't remember much."

For now, he'll have to wait until his release to see if their relationship is beyond repair.

Compared to his early days in prison, it has been a remarkable change for Alex. 

Apart from Christianity helping him find his footing, he also credits this turnaround in attitude to one inmate — the same person who persuaded him out of his cell.

Now, they are housed in separate clusters within the prison complex.

When asked what he would say to his friend if he had the chance, Alex paused before saying: "Thank you very much, dear friend.

"You really brought me out of the darkness and into the light."

*A pseudonym was used to conceal the individual's identity.

[[nid:708209]]