Baby talk: What to discuss with your spouse before hiring a domestic helper

So you and your spouse have decided to hire a live-in domestic helper to ease the load at home. Great! My husband and I took the same step after I got pregnant with our first child last year and it's changed our lives for the better.

With extra help at home, we can focus on our careers and give ample attention to our child (and to each other!) without worrying about our dirty toilets or about cooking meals.

But the journey wasn't exactly smooth-sailing. Since both of us grew up with helpers, I naively assumed that we'd automatically align on our helper's job scope and our house rules since my husband and I had similar upbringings.

Once we started discussing our helper's routine, however, we realised that we differ in significant areas, such as how our helper should handle the cooking, how best to train her, and even on how to give her feedback on her performance.

If I had to do it all over again, here's what I'd discuss in more detail before hiring help:

Your budget

How much you pay your helper will depend largely on her nationality. Migrant domestic helpers available for hire in Singapore often come from the Philippines, Indonesia, and Myanmar, with the size of their salaries typically going from highest to lowest in that order. Nationality aside, helpers with experience might also command a higher salary than fresh helpers, especially if the experienced helper has worked in countries other than Singapore.

Hiring a helper is a significant financial commitment, so it's important to discuss what is a 'must-have' versus what is a 'good-to-have'. Fluency in English and experience handling newborns were a high priority for my husband and me, so we shelled out accordingly, but that meant ruling out the possibility of sending our baby to infant care should the need arise, since we don't have the budget for both our ideal helper and for childcare.

For you, it might look different, so just make sure you and your spouse are on the same page regarding priorities before you begin your search.

Your helper's job scope

Do you expect your helper to focus on household chores or on taking care of the baby? If the answer is both, then let me be realistic: unless your baby is a super low-maintenance unicorn or your house chores are extremely minimal, there will be days when she has to prioritise one or the other.

Here's a scenario: the lunchtime dishes are unwashed, but your baby is screeching because she's hungry and needs to be put down for a nap. You know that bottle-feeding her will take roughly 20-25 minutes, while putting her to sleep could take another 20 minutes, and even then, she'll need to be rocked to sleep and might even want to contact nap instead of napping in the cot. Between cleaning the kitchen and spending potentially an hour and a half to two hours feeding and helping baby nap, which will you outsource to the helper?

Don't assume that your spouse has the same priorities as you. For me, it's automatic: I outsource household chores to my helper so that I can spend time with my baby. But I know of others who'd rather outsource the two hour nap and bottle-feeding to the helper, and do the dishes themselves, since washing up takes comparatively less time.

There's no right and wrong, but for the sake of marital harmony, you and your spouse need to agree on what to offload. Do this before the stressful moments arise because the last thing you need when you're already busy with a baby, chores, and work is to quarrel over what to assign to the helper.

Agreeing ahead of time on your helper's job scope will also make it easier for her to manage her time and to make decisions. When my helper first started working with us, she instinctively wanted to tend to the baby every time she cried, since that was what her previous employer told her to do, so I told her to focus on household chores instead since my husband and I would be the ones to soothe the baby.

Subsequently, she knew to continue with her household duties even if the baby is crying (unless I specifically ask for help), but I imagine it would've been confusing if my husband told her to attend to the baby while I told her to leave the baby to me.

Boundaries and house rules

Now that you have a new person living in your home, you'll need to set boundaries to prevent misunderstandings. Here are just a few topics you and your spouse should discuss before briefing your new helper:

• Phone usage: Will you allow your helper to use her mobile phone freely while working, or only after working hours? Or how about getting her a work phone that she can use during working hours?
• Handling the baby: While my husband and I allow our helper to carry the baby (sometimes out of necessity), we agreed on a no-kissing, no-cuddling rule since those are types of affection we want to keep to ourselves as parents. Other boundaries include not taking pictures of our baby, not showing screens to our baby, and not bringing her outside unsupervised.
• Fridge policy: Some employers implement an 'open fridge'/'open pantry' policy where their helper can help herself to anything she wants. Others provide her with her own pantry of goods. Or others bring their helper along while grocery shopping so that she can choose her own snacks, bread, and coffee. Which style is more suitable for your household? 
• Curfew: What time do you need her to be home on her days off?
• Personal space: I once heard a fellow mum complain about how her helper plopped next to her on the couch while she was watching TV. To her, this felt like an intrusion on her personal time and space, not to mention on her family time, when she was watching a show with her husband and kids. Another mum commented that her helper does the same thing but she has no problem with it since she sees the helper as a member of her family. Again, no right and wrong here, but bring it up with your spouse to see how much it matters to them.

Training

Speaking of briefing your helper, you should spend the weeks ahead of her arrival devising a training plan. Consider the following:

• Will you use a manual to train the helper? If so, who will write the manual?
• If you'd rather demonstrate on the spot instead of using a manual (or on top of using one), decide in advance who will demonstrate the chore. My advice? The person who is more particular about that chore should be the one demonstrating how to do it.
• How open would you be to asking your parents or in-laws to assist in training? I ask because I know couples who send their helper for a two-week 'boot camp' at their parents' place, while others choose to do all the training themselves so that the helper understands their style.
• Who and how will you give your helper feedback?

Your helper's welfare

MOM's guidelines stipulate that you should provide your helper with adequate food, shelter, and basic amenities, such as a mattress, pillow, and toiletries. But there are the extras that the Ministry of Manpower does not require, but are worth discussing as a couple. For example:

• Bonus scheme: I have some friends who bake performance bonuses into their helper's job scope. Others choose to give a 13th month or a Christmas bonus instead. Talk about whether or not you'll give your helper a bonus in the first place, and if it's a yes from both of you, discuss when to give one and how much to give.
• Your helper's birthday: While she is your employee, she is still a human being, so it'd be good to decide in advance how to acknowledge and celebrate her birthday. This can be anything from giving her a day off, to giving her a birthday ang pao, to buying her gifts and a cake.
• Her mobile phone plan: Some employers offer to pay for it since they expect their helper to be contactable at all times, others don't since they let their helper have access to their home Wi-Fi anyway.

What you and your spouse give to the helper will largely depend on her role in the household — that is, to what extent you see her as a family member, versus as an employee. Even if she's 100 per cent just an employee to both of you, you might also come across differences in how you think you should treat employees.

I've seen couples accuse each other of either 'spoiling' the helper or being too stingy, so it's good to hash out each other's points of view before you're caught in the heat of the moment.

Dealbreakers

Although it's not ideal, there may come a point where you decide that things aren't working out. You don't want to find yourself in a situation where one spouse wants to throw in the towel, while the other one thinks that the helper deserves another chance — or 10.

Decide in advance what constitutes a dealbreaker, what constitutes "PIP" (performance improvement plan), and what else you can close one eye over.

What if we can't agree on anything?

I'm going to level with you: if you can't agree on some fundamental issues, such as your helper's role in the household or on dealbreakers, then maybe it's time to hold off on hiring help.

A helper is someone you will see day in and day out — she's someone who will potentially be entrusted with your children, who will have a level of access into your private life, and who might even live with you for a decade or more.

So don't rush the hiring process: set the tone of your family culture first, lay down some ground rules, and in the meantime, consider engaging part-time help if you need to outsource some house chores after having a kid.

ALSO READ: The importance of routine: How to create structure for your child